I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”