Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

The Friday File.

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.