Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

wow he looks just like him

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.