Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

2 years later

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.