Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

I PASSED THE BAR!

On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.