I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
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I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.