Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Your honor these allegations are

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.