I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
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It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Can Happiness buy money?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
He-man has a Masters degree
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.