I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
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Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?