I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
You Might Also Like
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.