Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

You better watch out

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.