I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
You Might Also Like
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine