I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
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*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.