I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
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Is fake venison called venisn’t
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
me after drinking all the wine:
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Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that