I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?