Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
You Might Also Like
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Birds & Planes.