“I’d like to speak with a manager”
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Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
wearing a jumpsuit is so fun and flirty until youre in a public restroom
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
The Punning Dead.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.