“I’d like to speak with a manager”
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Guys which shade of gery should I get
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.