Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.