Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera