I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
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Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
📽️movie date🎞️
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados