I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Cold.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
me before I type out affect or effect
