I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
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the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation