I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
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Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood