Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

When your best mate counts as a desk too

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.