Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

looks legit