Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.