I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
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One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”