Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*