I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”