I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
birds and squirrels envy us
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Tuesday
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages