Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

Mornin. * use accordingly

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.