I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Plant care tips
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place