I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
is this store having a stroke wtf
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob