Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

Accurate

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography