I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY