Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.