I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
An odd boast
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
genius
