I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
bury ourselves
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*