I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves