Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Why does laundry happen to good people?

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion