I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.