I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Wednesday
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.