I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Tuesday
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.