I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
[montage of me giving-up]
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.