Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

If looks could kill

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*