I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place