Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”