“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
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Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Try and stop me.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Name this drama.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
(yawn)
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.