Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

Pat is about to own someone

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.