I’d love this before and after shot…lol
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“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how