Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

The big book of baby names but for safe words

I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Bitcoin. Toothurt.