I’d love this before and after shot…lol
You Might Also Like
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.