I’d love this before and after shot…lol
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stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one