Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist