I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
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One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Basketball games are very squeaky.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”