“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
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Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Can. I. Help. You.
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After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes