Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Camping tip: No.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]