I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
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do horses think humans are hats
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
phew
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Saving my good tweets for marriage
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.