I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I had to Stop for this
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.