I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”