I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Breaking news:
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.