Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

ㅤ

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.