I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
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I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.