I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
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DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
58.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces