I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
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Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Oh my God.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us