Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016