I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
You Might Also Like
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.