Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

Fixed this for Shakespeare

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴