“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Just so funny