I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
You Might Also Like
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
At least try to make it slightly believable
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.