I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
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“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
His flabber was gasted 😂
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly