Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
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what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
bay: come over
me: no you’re a broad inlet of the sea where the land curves inward
bay: my parents aren’t home
me: how are you talking
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
“Your breathing holes are very nicely shaped”
Flirting is so easy
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls