@Dawn_M_

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

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@_thatigirl

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

@glutenfreematt

what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password

@13spencer

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

@TheAlexP

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

@dril

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

@notfaizzy

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

@EJGomez

bay: come over
me: no you’re a broad inlet of the sea where the land curves inward
bay: my parents aren’t home
me: how are you talking

@thepunningman

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

@rajandelman

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls