I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
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*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!