@Dawn_M_

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

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@meganamram

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

@_troyjohnson

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.

@skedaddle74

I still remember the day I asked my mom β€œwhy did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

@RunOldMan

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

@WilliamAder

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

@kentgrossarth

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

@WhirledRecord

USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
Canada: “OK.”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*

@sad_tree

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

@Cycloptomese

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.