I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

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“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic


Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.


I still remember the day I asked my mom β€œwhy did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.


No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.


We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.


I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.


USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
Canada: “OK.”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*


*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*



*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer


Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.